'the real strength of FIND LOVE IN A GAY BATHHOUSE is the way it tackles sex'

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FOR AN INSPIRATIONAL, POSITIVE VIEW ON GAY SAUNAS AND MAKING GAY RELATIONSHIPS HAPPEN, BUY FIND LOVE IN A GAY BATHHOUSE.

Learn about …

  • Making instant attraction happen
  • Improving your technique
  • Staying safe & healthy
  • Avoiding Mr Almost Right
  • Finding the Real Thing
  • Having the best time ever in gay saunas
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MAYBE you live somewhere where there are no gay saunas and bathhouses – or even some place where just being gay is made hard?

FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE MISSING for your next visit to a gay-friendly town or city.

FIND LOVE IN A GAY BATHHOUSE

An Eight Step Guide to Finding Mr Right In a Gay Bathhouse & Then Making the Relationship Work

Published by Homohappy Books

Copyright © Marcel Wiel 2010


CONTENTS

  • FOREWORD: WHY THIS BOOK?
  • STEP 1: MAKING THE STATISTICS WORK FOR YOU
  • STEP 2: POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE
  • STEP 3: MAKING SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS HAPPEN
  • STEP 4: DEALING WITH STIs
  • STEP 5: SEX vs MAKING LOVE
  • STEP 6: MAKING THE SECOND MEET HAPPEN & MOVING FORWARD
  • STEP 7: FEEDING THE GREEN SHOOTS OF LOVE
  • STEP 8: KEEPING THE MAGIC ALIVE
  • END NOTE: ONE STEP CLOSER TO HAPPY EVER AFTER
  • APPENDIX: SUGGESTED READING

FROM STEP 1: MAKING THE STATISTICS WORK FOR YOU

Pages 9-11 Childish and childlike behaviours

One way to look at bathhouses is to see them as somewhere you can meet ‘gay men at play’. Of course they’re about sex, but in the most general sense of the word, they’re also about ‘play’.

Playing speaks to the part of us that’s a child. It’s the part that can be ‘childlike’ - enthusiastic, giving and full of energy - and most importantly enjoys having fun. But it’s also the part of us that can be ‘childish’ - impatient, reckless, and greedy.

Naturally, gay men at play in bathhouses often display these two types of behaviour, and will switch between the two. If anything, feeling childlike makes the switch to acting childishly even easier. So if you can recognise the signs of these behaviours, you can save yourself a lot of time and energy.

Here’s why:

  • It will help you not to respond childishly to childish behaviour:

    Example 1:
    You enthusiastically approach an attractive man with a wide, open smile only to be rebuffed (in the buff). You naturally feel rejected and become sulky. This is exactly the wrong response to rejection in a bathhouse. We all like to be liked, but people don’t go to these places to be liked, they go there to have sex. So if you keep getting rejected, you need to look at your technique, not sulk hoping someone will take pity on you.

    Example 2:
    You’re having a wild old time with a handsome man and you’re both really turned on. The sex is moving towards penetration but he clearly hasn’t got a condom on as he lies on your back, kissing your neck and rubbing himself against you. He starts to insert himself into you and you let him carry on because you think to yourself one of two things:
    Either:
    He must be HIV-negative, like me. No-one would be so thoughtless as to have unprotected sex without a condom if they were HIV-positive.
    Or:
    He must be HIV-positive, like me. No-one would be so stupid as to have unprotected sex in a bathhouse with a complete stranger if they were HIV-negative. In fact, studies of sexual behaviour of gay men in bathhouses have shown that the HIV-positive ones tend to assume that many of the other customers will be HIV-positive like them - and then not use condoms, while the HIV-negative and untested ones in the same place will often assume most of same people will be HIV-negative like them - and then not use condoms. The only way to make sure that you don’t risk HIV infection when you have sex in bathhouses is to always use a condom.

  • It will help you to recognise people who behave well:

    Example 1:
    You’re back in a cubicle with the same sexy man who’s kissing your back and rubbing himself against your butt, so you know that penetration is the next thing that’s going to happen. He stops and puts a condom on, or if the roles are reversed, he gives you one. Bingo! Here’s an intelligent person who knows that when you have sex with strangers in bathhouses you should always use condoms, even if it breaks the mood or makes things a bit awkward for a few moments. Better that than pass on or catch an STI. Chances are this person is equally responsible in other areas of their lives.


FROM STEP 2: POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE

Pages 19-20 Anal sex and sexual boundaries

The first thing to say about anal sex is that not all gay men like doing it; many in fact don’t. So if this is you, you’re not alone, by a very long shot. Also, you’re not alone if you only like doing it with someone special, or only like being active or passive.

Despite this, many people often allow themselves to be pressurised into having a type of sex that they don’t really want. In a bathhouse, various experiences will be on offer and part of being confident is knowing you can turn them down.

So take some time to think about what kind of sex you’re happy to have.

Sexual boundaries

  • How do you feel about anal sex?
  • If you do like it, do you prefer being passive? active? passive and active?
  • How do feel about oral sex?
  • …rimming?
  • Do you like using toys?
  • Do you like watching people having sex or have people watching you having sex?
  • Do you like watching porn?
  • Does what you do sexually depend on who you’re with?

If however you do want passive anal penetration but have little or no experience in this, you need to know how to relax those back passage muscles when getting fucked. If you don’t, even if you really want it, it’ll be very off-putting, even painful. On the plus side, learning how to relax is really easy, as evidenced by the hundreds of millions of people - gay and straight - who love anal sex.

Here’s the technique I developed for myself after a few occasions when getting fucked turned out to be quite painful. The most important thing to remember in the following instructions is to breathe. Holding your breath will only lead to your muscles tensing up, making pain during penetration that much more likely.



FROM STEP 3: MAKING A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER HAPPEN

Pages 29-30 Stalking and pouncing

Around the cubicle area, you’ll be checking out the men in the cubicles waiting to be approached by someone they fancy as well as others who are walking along the corridors, checking out who’s on offer. Common mistakes made here are (a) not being bold, (b) walking round endlessly without making a move for fear of rejection and (c) forgetting to look sexy because you’ve lost hope.

If you’re going to approach someone in a cubicle, make sure you’re aroused. And remember, you don’t need to have some kind of Scud missile between your legs. Average size and standing to attention will normally do the trick. Cockrings are particularly handy in this situation. So, aroused, stand by the cubicle entrance, make eye contact and look hungry. If the man’s interested he’ll make it very clear and motion you to join him. If not, it’ll be equally clear.

And whatever you do, don’t ask in a mousey voice: ‘Er, hi, er, can I come in?’ Boring!

If it’s someone else walking around who you fancy, you could follow him. But unless he’s aware of you and has already indicated interest, try finding somewhere you can stand or sit and wait for him to come to you. Most of the time, the layout of this part of a bathhouse is circular and you can use the geometry of the area to save energy. And who knows? Maybe someone equally or even more attractive will be right behind him.

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